The House Guest
by Sallychan-Stories
Summary: Roger needs a place to crash for a few days, and the only person in Bluffington that's willing to take him in is Miss Patti Mayonnaise.
1. Thursday Night

**Rating: T**

 **Chapter warnings:** Cursing

 **AN:** Nicktoons Verse. Set in Junior year, so Roger is 18 and everyone else is 16/17.

* * *

" _Rats?_ Can you believe it? _Rats!_ " Roger threw his arm out as he spoke to the group. Everyone was crowded into one booth at the Honker Burger, lips on the straws of their drinks in fascination with Roger's story. He turned and gave Stinky an annoyed look. "I mean, what do I even _have_ this dang cat for!?"

Stinky only responded with a defiant raspberry from her perch atop the back of the bench, and promptly curled over onto her other side. Roger sneered a little as he took a drink of his shake.

"—so anyways. What was I sayin'? Oh right." He regathered himself while everyone leaned in further in moderate concern. "So because of a little rat problem, Ma and I gotta find someplace else to be for a while."

"Where are you guys staying?" Asked Skeeter with a mouth full of fries, while Patti, Chalky, and Connie murmured about how awful Roger's situation was.

"My family always stays in our lakeside cabin when there's work being done at the mansion." Offered Beebe. Roger rolled his eyes before snorting and smirking at her.

"You offering me the keys then, Bluff?" His smile creaked up more. Beebe shrieked at the idea.

" _No_ , obviously!" She frowned, nose up. "Daddy would _never_ let someone so low class on the property like that." She paused. "…no offense."

"You could always stay at a motel." Patti cut in before the two got into another bickering match.

"Yeah, 'cept you need money for that." Roger crossed his arms and frowned at the window. Everyone looked at each other uncomfortably. Roger's financial situation was always in the back of their minds, but could he and his mom really not afford to stay at a cheap motel for a few nights? Roger spoke again, bringing their attention back to him.

"— _Look_. My mom's stayin' at her boyfriend's place, but there isn't any room for me to crash there. Which is fine by me, 'cause I'm not about to stay under his roof anyway. But less-fine because I got nowhere else to go." He mused, waving his hands a little as he spoke. Suddenly his eyes flashed open and up at them with a familiar grin on his face—the grin that was usually trying to sell them something.

"So, which one of you _lucky_ guys n' gals wants to be my roomie for a few days?" The smile got just a tad more crooked. Every other face on the table had a look of shock or horror.

Ideas of Roger wrecking their houses flashed through everyone's minds. Chalky could just see him using one of his trophies as a drinking cup, and Beebe could hardly imagine sharing a space with someone so poor! Doug and Skeeter could still remember when he had them babysit Stinky, and she tore the whole damn house apart. Everyone started looking at each other uncomfortably again, willing each other to be the one to speak first. Roger frowned after a few more seconds.

"Well don't everyone jump at once!" He yelled, making them all smile sheepishly.

"Sorry Rog but.. my parents won't let boys sleep over." Connie explained with an apologetic smile.

"Yeah and uh.. we have a strict regimen at my house, you probably wouldn't like it very much." Chalky shrugged.

"Judy is home from college right now, and you know she doesn't like Stinky's fur, hehe, sorry.." Doug smiled just as guiltily as Connie and Chalky.

"And you don't really like hanging with Dale much—" Skeeter started his excuse when Beebe cut in.

"You are NOT staying with me, Roger!" She huffed and crossed her arms. Patti pouted in worry.

"What about Boomer, Ned, and Willie, Roger? You can't stay with any of them..?" She asked with genuine concern. Roger was sneering by now.

"Nah, they all gave me the same _LAME-O_ excuses you guys just did! Some friends!" Roger closed his eyes in irritation and got up, pushing Doug and Skeeter out of his way to get out of the booth. Stinky trotted over and jumped from the booth and onto his shoulders to curl up against his neck.

"It's fine, it's fine. Hope you guys sleep good tonight knowing I'm on a _park bench_ someplace!" He huffed and dusted off his jacket, trying to not seem hurt by all of their rejections. The group frowned in guilt, but were still unwilling to cave. Roger stuffed one of his hands into his jacket pocket and snatched up his bag from the floor with the other. He started to leave when Patti got up from the table and grabbed onto his elbow.

"Roger!" She tugged him back a little, looking at him with a worried expression. "You really.. you're not _really_ going to sleep on a bench tonight are you?"

Roger quirked an eyebrow at her before looking off and shrugging.

"Who knows, probably! Maybe I'll go camp out in the woods, or find an empty house or YMCA to sleep in!" He frowned more, annoyed at her prying. Like sure, let's all talk about how poor Roger is, right?

"Oh Roger.." Patti sighed, sticking her lip out more. She really _couldn't_ sleep tonight knowing that. "Do you wanna stay at my house?"

Everyone was shocked at that, even Roger. Of any of these clowns, he wasn't expecting to be rooming with _Patti_. He blinked a second before turning to face her.

"Really?" He asked, ignoring everyone else's equally confused expressions. Patti pouted more and moved her hands to his forearm to give it a comforting squeeze.

"Well, yeah! If you really don't have anywhere else to go. I know my daddy'll say yes, we even have that spare room since we moved." She pinched at the leather sleeve of his jacket in thought. Roger smiled wider at the opportunity. Doug almost wanted to scream that Roger could stay with him instead, if just to keep him out of Patti's house, but he was distracted by Roger looping an arm behind Patti's back and picking her up.

"Mayonnaise you're a pal!" Roger laughed and wiggled her around a little, making Stinky yowl and hiss from being rattled around on his shoulder. He ignored both Stinky's furious and Patti's embarrassed protesting, and hugged her to his side tight, leaning back to half prop her up on his hip. "I owe you one! Really!"

"Roger, put me down!" Patti managed to huff lightheartedly despite their awkward pose. She pushed at his chest to try and keep herself from falling all over him, but Roger only laughed again and started throwing out offers of what he could do to pay her back for helping him. Everyone else was laughing too, mostly in relief. Except for Doug of course, who was already fantasizing of a way to keep Roger and Patti from sleeping under the same roof.

* * *

Patti managed to get Roger to sit down again, though he insisted on wedging her up against Beebe with his shoulder while he talked to her for the rest of the evening. It was driving Doug crazy.

"Skeet," he whispered into Skeeter's ear. "We gotta do something."

"Do what, man?" Skeeter whispered back, trying to follow Doug's gaze, which was squarely on Roger and Patti.

"Stop Roger from sleeping over at Patti's! Look at him, he's totally skeezy. Getting all close to her like that!" Doug argued, whispering angrier. Skeeter looked across the table again.

Roger was snickering, trying to get his arm around Patti's back to jostle her around playfully, but Patti kept laughing and slapping his arm and hand away. He was joking a lot, maybe making a few suggestions about "playing house", but nothing abnormal for Roger.

"I.. I don't really see it man." Skeeter glaced to the side at Doug again.

"It's obvious Skeet! He's totally going to try and.. _do_ something with her if we don't do something."

Skeeter seemed unconvinced. Ever since Doug and Patti had dated a couple years back, Doug had been even more paranoid than he used to be about her around other guys. Skeeter was sure that this was just another case of Patti-might-date-someone-that's-not-me jealousy that he'd grown accustomed to seeing from his best friend. Before he could reply, Roger slapped his hand down on the table and made a big show of getting up. He grinned at the group, still hunched over the table.

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat s'more, but it's the missus's curfew soon, y'know."

"Oh, Roger!" Patti laughed into her hand, taking the innuendo as a joke like usual. She scooted out of the booth and gave him a playful shove before turning back to the table. "Night ya'll."

She waved them off and started to the door. Roger bounced back from her shove and smirked at the group one more time, clicking his tongue against his teeth and shooting them a pair of finger guns before grabbing his duffle bag and hurrying after Patti. Doug frowned bitterly as he watched Roger once again try and get an arm around her back while he trotted up to her side. He continued gesturing at random people from school, and earned a whistle from a few of them when he held the door open for Patti and bowed faux-gentlemanly. Patti continued laughing at his flirty gestures, much to Doug's dismay. Didn't she know she was going home with the skeeviest guy in school?

* * *

Roger walked alongside Patti down the street, hands in his pockets and happily watching Stinky bounce over and climb everything in her way as she walked. Not knowing where he would be sleeping tonight had gotten him in such an anxious state, but now he could finally relax. He snuck a glance at Patti again.

"Hey, sorry my mom has the truck. I could be driving us home right now." He offered. It felt kind of funny saying 'home' like he and Patti lived together. Patti giggled softly.

"Its fine, Roger. I don't mind walking."

"Yeah, but _still_. I owe you for—" Roger started.

"Roger, I _told_ you, its fine." She smiled up at him cheerfully. "You don't 'owe' me anything."

He couldn't stop his face from getting hot at her gentle expression. She was way too genuine to be real, honestly. Ever since they met, when she trotted over to him at the playground and squatted down with her adorable, bouncy little pigtails and asked him his name and if he wanted to play, all he could see her as was a sentient ball of sunshine. A ball of sunshine that would put his ass in its place when she needed too, but a ball of sunshine none the less.

He scoffed with a smile, looking away from her in case any kind of blush might betray him.

"Watch you hold this against me later." He mused, chuckling at the thought. He put on his best Patti impression. " _O~oh Roger, we need someone to drive the Junior Beets to the petting zoo—you can't say 'no', I kept you from being ho~omeless—!_ "

Patti laughed and shoved him again.

"Oh I like I would! Besides," She closed her eyes and hugged her elbows tighter. "—you'd drive them even if I _didn't_ have any leverage on you, _Mister_ _Senior Bluff Scout_."

"Oh- _hoh!_ So it's like that, is it?" Roger couldn't help but laugh at her confident smirk. She always called him on his generally good morality; the girl was trying to ruin his reputation. Patti only laughed and jogged around the corner into her neighborhood.

She and her dad had moved from their apartment downtown into a cute little house in the suburbs again at the end of middle school. Of course there was another reason for that, Roger was reminded, as they walked down the cul-de-sac and came into view of Patti's house. In front sat two cars—Patti's dad's car, and the car of her fairly-new stepmother. Roger swished his mouth a little.

It was still really awkward having the lady around. He could still remember Patti's mom, so he couldn't imagine how Patti might be taking all this. After all, he despised all of _his_ mom's boyfriends. Patti hopped around and smiled at him.

"Here we are! Put on that confident smile of yours—we're going to have to sell this to my dad." She laughed a little, making those pretty curls of hers bounce ever so slightly. Roger couldn't help but smile as instructed.

"Of course." He adjusted his bag on his shoulder and straightened his back, trying to look more presentable. Patti giggled into her hand again before getting out her keys and opening the door.

"Daddy!, I'm ho~ome! Where are you, I gotta talk to you about somethin'." She yelled into the house and hung her jacket up on the crafty coat hanger they had near the door. Roger side stepped in after her as fluidly as he always moved, and took a second to look around while Patti locked up and threw her keys into a bowl on a side table. Patti's dad called from the kitchen before wheeling into the front room. He stopped in surprise to see Roger standing behind Patti.

"Oh, hello Roger." He quickly regained his chipper smile. "What are you doing here so late?"

Roger nodded his head towards him with a smile and waved, while Patti trotted over and bent down to give him a quick hug.

"Oh daddy! Roger's got no place to stay tonight! His house is getting cleaned out from a rat infestation. Can he stay here?" Patti pouted unintentionally, shining her eyes at him pathetically. Roger continued looking around while she explained everything to her dad; no mom's boyfriend's house, no motel, no other friends to take him in, fantastic. He snorted a little to try and ignore that half of his situation, and turned back to watching Patti try and convince her dad to agree. Mr. Mayonnaise only laughed and shrugged.

"How can I say no? Sure, he can stay." He smiled and nodded his head. Patti squealed a little and gave him a tighter hug.

"Thank you, daddy!"

Roger started to smile wider, when a woman appeared in the kitchen doorway.

"What is going on in here?" Patti's stepmother, Emily Krystal, asked from the archway. Roger couldn't see Patti's face fall into an uneasy expression. Mr. Mayonnaise smiled at his wife and took her hand as she approached.

"Roger is going to be staying here for a few nights, while his house is being cleared of rats." He told her calmly. Patti stood off to the side uncomfortably and chewed her tongue. Roger _did_ manage to notice that.

"The whole weekend?" Emily frowned in concern. "Chad, doesn't that seem.." She lowered her voice. ".. _inappropriate?_ "

Patti's lip twisted a little, and her cheeks burned in embarrassment while she stared at the floor. She did her absolute best to respect her stepmother, but it was always horribly uncomfortable when she tried to actually 'mother' her. Patti's dad managed to laugh awkwardly.

"Emily, it's okay." He smiled up at Patti. "I trust Patti upstairs with him—she's been a good influence on him since they were little kids, after all."

Patti beamed at her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning back to Roger. He smiled at her a second, but was quickly grabbed by the arm and yanked upstairs as fast as possible. Mr. and Mrs. Mayonnaise watched in confusion as a magenta cat gave them a nasally _reow_ and bounced up the stairs after the pair of teenagers.

* * *

As soon as they were in the upstairs hallway, Patti let go of his arm and started rubbing her face. Roger was still a little dazed when she turned to him again.

" _God_ Roger—I'm _so sorry_ about that." She peeked at him, blushing awfully. "Emily can be so.. _embarrassing_."

Roger watched her look off for a moment before she began to rub at her face again. He grunted with a laugh.

"It's fine. I mean," He shrugged a little as he walked past her towards what he assumed was the spare bedroom. "—devilishly handsome bad boy and the town sweetheart upstairs? _All alo~one_? The implications are there, Mayo."

Patti stared after him in confusion before snorting and laughing. She jogged after him and gave him a shove, which only made him laugh too.

"'Devilishly handsome bad boy'? _Really?_ " She laughed and continued pushing at him. Roger cackled and pawed at her, trying to playfully deflect her slapping.

"Hey, I'm just stating the facts! That's like the uh.. Pythagorean Theorem right?" He smirked at her. Patti chortled into her hand again.

" _Not_ even close." She rolled her eyes with a smile and pushed open the door to the spare room. She clicked the lights on and headed inside with Roger close behind. She stopped in the middle of the room and clapped her hands together softly before gesturing around her. "So! This is the um, guest room. Got your bed, and a desk, and a dresser if you'd like.."

Roger squinted and blinked a moment at the antique looking wood furniture.

"..this looks like a grandma's room." He finally commented, looking at the doily underneath the bedside lamp. Patti laughed loudly at that.

"Well, that's who is usually staying with us." She smiled a little sheepishly. "It is kind of funny, huh? Big, rough you, staying inside a cute room like this."

Roger quirked an eyebrow at her, purposely trying to not find the humor in the idea. He rolled his eyes up and puffed some air out of the side of his mouth, dropping his bag from his shoulder to his side.

"I guess beggars can't be choosers, eh?" He nodded at the decorative pillows on the bed. He squatted down and gave one a poke. "..I'm not supposed to sleep on this, right? It's all bumpy."

Patti did her best to hold back another laugh. She stepped up to his side and took the pillow gently.

"No, gosh! You _know_ these are decorative don't be silly." She smiled and tucked it under her arm, then scooped up the rest of them, leaving only the down pillows that had been hidden behind them sitting against the headboard. She carried them over to a rocking chair that sat in the corner of the room and piled them there. "There, happy?"

Roger was smiling at her again. She was so _domestic_ , setting up his bed for him like that. What was she going to do next, cook him dinner? Iron his shirts?

"Sure am, wifey." His smile curled into something flirtier. He dropped his bag by the bed and strode over to her, leaning down slightly to set his arms around her. "You gunna tuck me in too? Maybe a kiss goodnight?"

He grinned teasingly before closing his eyes and sticking his lips out to making kissy noises at her. Patti stepped back half-out of his grasp and pushed her hand over his mouth.

"You're a horrible flirt, Roger Klotz." She smirked up at him in that tough, 'watch it, Mister' way that make her nose curl just a little. He smiled beneath her hand.

" _Mmm_ , oh _forgive_ me, 'honey'." His voice was muffled against her palm. He gave it a couple of quick kisses and backed off before she could swat him. He cackled again and rounded the bed to get into his bag.

Patti started to follow him, intent of getting him back for being an insufferable flirt, when Stinky jumped in front of her and onto the bench at the foot of the bed, making her stop a moment. Stinky yawned and flopped on the bench cushion, sprawling out comfortably. Patti smirked a little, almost proud to see the usually grouchy cat so pacified by her home. She hadn't mentioned Stinky to her dad but she was sure he wouldn't mind, as long as Stinky didn't yowl too much. Roger cleared his throat to get her attention again. He had taken off his jacket and hung it over the desk chair, and was smiling at her with his hands on the bottom of his shirt

"If you don't mind, I'd like to change." He whined faux-shyly, attempting to cover his chest by flexing out his arms despite still having his shirt on. Patti's cheeks when pink again, but she quickly laughed it off.

"You are such a dork, Roger!" She laughed into her knuckles. "Alright, alright, don't get all embarrassed, I'm going."

She walked to the doorway, but paused before leaving. She turned and rested her hand on the doorframe.

"Roger, if you need anything else, I'm just down the hall, okay?" Patti smiled at him kindly. Roger felt his face heat up again. She was so gorgeous and so _genuine_ —like a bizarre mix of an angel and maybe a well-meaning, old grandma.

"Sure, sure, yeah." He turned around and pretending to fiddle with his shirt. He heard her chuckle quietly again.

"Alright." Patti lingered a second longer to watch him fidget a little more. "Goodnight, Roger."

"..Night." He managed to answer. He waited until he heard the door click shut before rubbing his face to try and ease his blushing. After a few seconds he wiped his face off and rubbed down to his jaw, adjusting it in an attempt to relax. That girl was trying to kill him.

He looked over at Stinky, who was giving him a _very_ smug smile. He felt his face go red again.

"Oh _shaddap! What do you know!_ " He yelled at her in embarrassment and threw his shirt at her, only to get a nasty laugh in reply from his feline companion.

* * *

 **AN:** Yaaay end chapter one! :D

I've got my own vision for the "Nick" and "Disney" future universes written down, I'll probably link them on my page soon.. but it's kind of self-explanatory throughout the story anyway. Obviously Roger's not/never was rich. I included Emily (Ms. Krystal) from Disney's Doug as Patti's stepmom still, cause I mean hey, why make up a whole 'nother character if she's already there, right?

Anyway I've got a Rotti thirst that needs quenching so here's a fic for anyone else dying for content. R&R, Love ya'll!


	2. Friday Morning

**Rating:** T

 **Warnings:** Cursing, a painful amount of flirting

 **AN:** Thank you for all the lovely reviews! You guys rock ;v;

* * *

Roger woke up to loud rapping on his door and a feminine voice calling his name from behind it. He groaned and hugged his pillow, still laying stomach down. As the knocking and beckoning continued, he finally managed to creak an eye open in annoyance.

"Ma, for God's sake—" He was taken off guard by his prim and pastel surroundings for a second. As he tried to process where he was, the knocking started up again.

"Roger, it's already 7:00!" Patti whapped the door with her palm. "You need to get up if you want breakfast!"

Roger started to notice in the sounds of a busy household from downstairs, and then the sound of Patti walking back down the hallway. He was going to go ahead and ignore the fact he'd just called her "ma".

He managed to sit up and stretch his back out, earning a satisfying crack from his spine, then scratched his head with a yawn. It was so tempting to just go back to sleep. He was considering it when Patti yelled for him again, sounding much more irritated. Roger couldn't help but smirk with a snort.

"Better giddup then.. don't wanna make the little lady _mad_." He mused to himself. He threw the covers off and changed into the same jeans as yesterday. Still clean enough, right? He was rifling through his duffle bag when the door opened.

"Roger—!" Patti started, when suddenly her raised voice cut off in a gag. She covered her face while Roger blinked at her in confusion, still shirtless. She started to turn away, with a quick, "Sorry— _sorry!_ "

She hastily stepped out and closed the door again, leaving Roger confused. He blinked again before realizing the issue.

"..it's just a _chest!_ It's not like I'm stark naked!" He called out after her, but only got a distant 'sorry' in response. He laughed a little and slipped his shirt on. "What's her deal, eh, Stink?"

Stinky was already glowering at him for being so loud, and only replied with an irritated _mrrr_ before curling up tighter.

Roger dumped the rest of his clothes onto the bed, then stuffed his school supplies back inside. After getting his signature boots and jacket on, he exited the guest room, just as Patti came out of her room with her backpack on.

"Hey Patti, you got a bathroom up here?" Roger asked and wiggled his toothbrush at her. Patti still looked a little red, but nodded and hurried him down the hall a way.

"Sorry, I should have showed you last night." She laughed a little and opened the door for him. Roger quirked a brow at the beetball pattern shower curtains, but managed to not comment despite his desperate need to tease her about it. Patti gave him a few pats on the arm before hurrying out. "Hurry up, you still need to eat!"

Roger watched after her for a second before getting to work brushing his teeth. She sure was insistent on him eating breakfast, he thought while he brushed. He hadn't really bothered with breakfast since middle school. He'd maybe eat a poptart, or a bite of whatever was laying around on his way out the door, but nothing anyone would call 'breakfast'. He spat out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth, then hesitated on where to put his toothbrush. He stared at the little ceramic holder Patti's pink toothbrush was sitting in, wondering if that was too 'intimate' to drop his in there too, when Patti called from downstairs again. He shrugged and plopped it in the empty slot across from hers.

Roger then took to fixing his frizzy hair. He wet the comb he kept in his jacket and started sweeping his hair back over his head, doing his best to shape it down like he liked. As he was getting close to satisfied with it, he heard Patti coming back up the stairs, and couldn't help but smile at how _annoyed_ her steps sounded.

"Roger!" Patti huffed as she came to the doorway. "What are you _doing_ up here!?"

Roger snickered in response, still combing.

"I'm fixin' my hair. Can't rush perfection, you know." He smirked at her. Patti rolled her eyes so hard her body followed the motion.

"Roger, we're going to be late at this rate!" She frowned at him. Roger smiled wider, eyes closed.

"Yknow, you can go ahead to school without me. Just cause I'm staying here doesn't mean I can't get to class on my own." He tilted away a little, focusing on catching any stray hairs around his undercut. Patti seemed a little surprised, and blinked a second before crossing her arms with a small pout.

"You don't.. want to go with me?" She asked, arms still crossed loosely. Roger peeked at her, a little surprised himself now. He looked her over before smiling and snickering again. He slipped his comb back in his pocket and slicked his eyebrows down with his thumb.

"Jeez, Patti. You're breakin' my heart." He turned and grinned at her. "How do I look?"

Patti smiled at him knowingly and rolled her eyes again.

"You look fine. Now hurry up." She turned and headed back to the stairs. Roger grabbed his bag and followed after her.

"Like _fine_ 'fine', or just 'fine' like, a chair might be 'fine'?" He stepped after her down the stairs, shamelessly fishing for compliments. Patti laughed and ignored him, then quickly steered him to the kitchen when he started heading for the door.

"Hey—" Roger gagged a little from being forced a different direction. "What happened to 'we're going to be late', huh?"

"You still haven't eaten breakfast!" Patti reminded him and released his shoulders once he was close enough to the table. Roger went to tease her again, when he noticed the plate already set out for him. It looked like a breakfast you'd see in the Four Leaf Clover Mall catalog; with toast, eggs, bacon, juice—even a strawberry. He looked at her awkwardly as she hurried around the kitchen to clear another plate and get it into the sink.

"C'mon Roger, you can't take too long to eat now." She spoke to him from across the kitchen. Roger turned back to the plate and felt almost remorseful for having kept her waiting if she really _had_ set this all out for just him. He set his bag down awkwardly and sat down, taking up his fork and twiddling it between his fingers like a pencil.

"Did you uh.. did you make this up for me, Patti?" He asked, glancing at her while she got her sports bottle out of the fridge.

"Well, Emily was cooking some of that, but yeah." She chuckled softly while she filled up the bottle with ice. "You should eat after such a long day yesterday."

Roger felt like his stomach was trying to wriggle away from her the longer she spoke. He tried his best not to blush at the sweet gesture and eat as quickly as he could. Patti turned towards him intent on continuing the conversation, but instead paused, mouth still open, at the sight of Roger with half of the food that had been on his plate piled into his mouth. He stared at her with a corner of toast and bit of bacon sticking out from between his lips, and she burst out laughing.

"I said you had to eat quick, but not _that_ quick, Roger!" She managed between laughs. Roger blushed again and hastily tried to swallow so he could attempt to save face.

"—well, make up your mind, girl!" He gasped through his swallow, turning around in his chair while she walked away laughing. She leaned over the kitchen island and waved her hand back at him through wheezing. Roger's eyebrows were twitching in embarrassment, but he did turn back around and continued to eat.

He ate the strawberry last, and had barely popped it in his mouth when Patti leaned over his shoulder and took the plate from him. Roger's head couldn't help but follow after her as she walked to the sink. He smiled at her while he chewed, watching her rinse off the plate in the sink and dry her hands on a kitchen towel. She really was like a cute little housewife.

"You ready to go?" Patti piped up as she turned to him. Roger ran his tongue over his teeth beneath his lips, and gave them a suck to make sure he didn't have anything stuck between them, before finally flashing her a smile.

"Absolutely." He grinned and downed the rest of his juice. He stood up with the empty glass and started towards the sink, when Patti gently took the cup from him.

"That's okay, I've got it Roger." She smiled sweetly at him and headed back to the sink. His heart fluttered.

"Hey, I'm a _capable young man_ , you know." He leaned against the counter. "I can clean a big, mean dish by myself."

His voice was painfully teasing. Patti only laughed and dried her hands again.

"Which guidance counselor did you steal that from?" She teased right back as she walked to the front door. Roger was already excited—he loved when she did back-and-forth with him.

"Oh please, what guidance counselor _hasn't_ given me that 'capable young man' spiel?" He snickered, following close behind her again. Patti led him out the door and over to her stepmother's car. Her father and stepmother worked at the same middle school, and would carpool in his car to work, which left Patti a car to drive to school herself. As she started to unlock it, Roger looked around to see if there were any nosey neighbors or parents watching them. He hesitated one more second before leaning over her shoulder and lowering his voice. " _And breakfast was real nice_ — _thanks,_ _wifey_."

He ended the whispering with a kissy sound in her ear. Patti gasped and swatted at him, laughing off his flirting even though his voice on her neck made her shiver in a totally embarrassing way.

"Roger!" She shoved him off. "Knock it off you goof, get in the car."

"Alright, alright." Roger gave her the laugh he always did when he knew he was being a pest. He rounded the car and plopped into the passenger side. He shuffled his legs in the uncomfortably cramped space a minute before adjusting the seat as far back as he could with a smirk. Patti closed her door and looked over to him, laughing when she saw him with his legs completely outstretched.

"Comfy?" She smirked at him while she started the car and shifted into reverse. Roger lowered the back of the seat into a reline and got his arms behind his back comfortably.

"Oh my, _yes_." He cooed at her and crossed his heel over his ankle. Patti gave him a slap to the gut for being annoying. "Ow!"

Roger rubbed his stomach a second before returning to his lounging. He closed his eyes and settling into his seat again while Patti started driving.

"You're sending me some mixed signals here, Mayonnaise." He hummed, continuing his mischievous tone. "First you tuck me in and cook me breakfast, and then you're yelling and smacking me."

Patti wrinkled her nose with a pursed smile, twitching them both in thought while she tried her best to ignore any flirtatious undertones.

"I could just smack you _all_ of the time instead, if you'd like." She smiled more, keeping her eyes on the road. Roger cackled from his seat.

" _O~oh_ , I'm _sorry_ mama, I promise I'll be _go~od_ — _ **ow!**_ "His teasing was cut off with another rough slap to the stomach. "— _jeez_ , Mayo, save that right hook for the weight room, eh?"

Patti only grinned wider, still not looking at him.

"I warned you, Roger."

* * *

The pair arrived on school grounds early enough for Patti to find a decent parking space, much to her delight. Roger got out and closed his door, only to get stared down with the grumpiest frown from Patti until he begrudgingly conceded and adjusted the passenger side seat back into its proper position. As they walked up the steps and into the main hall, Roger was greeted by the delicious, ego-boosting whistles of his friends, since of course he _was_ walking in with _Patti Mayonnaise_ after _spending the night_ at her place. Patti snorted as good-naturedly as possible and hip bumped him toward the lockers his friends were catcalling from. Roger only stumbled a second, smiling after her for a moment before ducking over to his crew.

"O~oh Roger, you two gettin' _married?_ " Ned placed his hands on his cheeks in joking interest. Roger closed his eyes, smiling proudly.

"We're practically married now! Lil' honey's making me breakfast and doin' the dishes _already_." He boasted, enjoying the attention. The boy's oohed in response.

"How _sweet!_ " Boomer did his best 'teenage girl' impression before laughing. They all snickered in unison at the idea.

"D'uhh, did you get anything _more_ than breakfast?" Willie asked, leaning up towards Roger in curiosity. Roger looked between all of them, keeping them waiting with a charismatic smile.

"Well.. you could say I've had her blushing since last night." He grinned meaner and closed his eyes to bask in the gasping and giggling of his friends. He didn't bother to notice Doug nearby glaring at him. Doug wanted to say something, mostly that Roger was a big, lying jerk, but he wanted to wait until he had some more backup before going and pointing his finger in Roger's face.

* * *

It was lunchtime when Doug finally got his chance. The school offered options for students to sit inside the cafeteria and also outside on the campus to eat lunch, and he knew Roger and his cronies always hung out at the same spot outside. After some convincing, he managed to get Skeeter to go on the hunt with him. They had both listened to Roger brag to everyone that asked—which was an unfortunate amount of people—all through their History and Science classes, and Doug had had just about enough.

"—what color are her _panties_ then, Roger?" Doug could hear a deep voice, probably Boomer, ask from just beyond the concrete stairs outside. He could hear Roger's annoying laugh as he tiptoed out more.

" _Jeez_ , Boomer, I'm not tellin' you that kind of dirty intel! If _you_ wanna know, _you_ cangoask her!" Roger laughed, sitting on a bench with his boot balancing on the arm of the seat. Boomer turned a little green at the idea, making the other guys laugh too.

"D'uhh, you're chicken! You know Patti would kick your _butt!_ " Willie laughed with a mouthful of sandwich. Boomer blushed and frowned angrily.

"Well I—" He started, when Doug interrupted.

"S-she should be kicking _all_ of your butts, talking about her like that!" Doug wanted to kick himself for stammering, but he had to do his best to seem at least a _little_ tough. He left his hands on his hips while the group of boys blinked at him, and tried not to let his pose fall when they busted out into hysterics.

"Oh Lordy, it's the White Knight, boys." Roger snickered and made a show of playing a fake trumpet, accompanied with sad sounding horn FX. Doug frowned in embarrassment, and shook a fist at them.

"Roger, you—you're such a _jerk!_ Patti is doing you a _huge_ favor letting you stay at her house, and instead of being thankful you just try and ruin her reputation!" Doug huffed, pointing at him accusingly. Roger laughed again in response.

"Aww, _Dougie._ Is someone just a wittle _jealous?_ " Roger's mouth curved in an almost feline matter, mocking him in a baby-talk tone. Doug turned even redder.

"N-NO! I just—" He didn't even start to defend himself before Roger's boys took over harassing him.

"O~oh, Patti, why do you like Roger, but not me? Why, Patti, why-y-y!" Ned fake cried into his hands.

"I c-could treat you right Patti, I'll even lend you my six-sided dice!" Boomer added, leaning into his palm with a pout.

"Shut up! You guys—" Doug was interrupted again.

"— _What_ are you guys doing?" Patti huffed, making them all jump. She was standing beside Skeeter, who had taken to attempting to eat his lunch off of the tray without using his hands, with her hip cocked and an eyebrow raised. All of the guys stammered, trying to make up an explanation. They all knew how Patti abhorred fighting.

"Uh, d-don't worry Patti, just teasing Doug a little. He's all pissed 'cause I'm staying at your place, buggin' me at lunch about it, hah-hah.." Roger smiled submissively, offering his palms out oh-so-innocently. Patti perked her eyebrow up higher, pushing her lips out a little in thought at his excuse. It was unfortunately true that Doug would get jealous about her spending time with other boys, as much as she tried to turn a blind eye to it. When they were dating, he was horribly possessive; not in a cruel way, more like he was insecure about the security of their relationship, but still. Patti groaned and blew up to move her hair out of her face.

"Don't you play that innocent act with me, Roger. You think I don't have ears?" Patti's irritated frown perked up at the sides a little mischievously. "Did you _really_ think I wouldn't hear about everything you've been saying?"

She tried her best not to relish in Roger turning a funny color and sweating nervously. Roger squirmed against the bench, dropping his foot down to sit up against it properly.

"W-well I.. I was just kidding about all that stuff! You know that Patti—!" He choked a little when she snorted and started walking closer. His gang did nothing to help him, and moved out of her way while she walked up to Roger. "—I mean, right? Just funning around.. you know that."

Patti leaned down so she was eye-level with him, smiling in a knowing way.

"Well, I _know_ you wouldn't be saying anything that would jeopardize our arrangement, right?" She smiled sweetly with her eyes closed. Roger smiled back nervously, nodding and doing his best not to tremble.

"O-of course not! No, no, never." He continued nodding. Willie, Boomer, and Ned nodded too and echoed his 'no, never' in an attempt to be helpful to their leader. Patti grinned and laughed a little.

"That big mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble Rog." She opened her eyes again to look at him. Roger blushed and tried to collect himself to respond, but Patti finished the conversation before he had the chance. " _Watch it buster_. And please, leave Doug alone, okay?"

"O-kay." Roger managed. Patti smiled softly again.

" _Thank_ you." She sighed. And before anything could come and ruin the hold she had over Roger's machismo, she leaned over just a tad more and pecked a kiss against his cheekbone. "Behave, okay?"

Roger's heart shot up into his ears, as it did _every_ time she gave him an innocent kiss on the cheek or sweet hug around his middle. It made him feel like a dipsy little kid again. Most girls would throw their hourglass figure around, or bat their dark eyelashes and pout their big, pretty lips to get what they want, but Patti Mayonnaise could turn him into a puddle of goop with the kind of kiss on the cheek you'd get from a first grader. He was _pathetic_.

But he couldn't focus on how pathetic he was right now, because he was melting with a goofy smile up against a schoolyard bench. He wasn't even sure if he actually replied with "okay" again, or if he just gurgled at her. Patti seemed to accept it either way, and laughed into her hand before moving out of Roger's fogged line of sight.

The only person more stunned by Patti kissing Roger on the cheek than Roger, was Doug. He could only stutter as Patti gave him a quick apology for Roger and his friend's behavior, smiling apologetically all the while. He looked on after her dejectedly as she left to go sit down for lunch inside the cafeteria. 'What in the world just happened?' he thought. He would have to talk some sense into her, this was getting way out of hand!

* * *

 **AN:** This chapter was not supposed to get this long… but I'm a sucker for those little moments. :'3

Roger is talks big, but he'll always be a goob for Patti Mayonnaise. ;) And poor Doug, right? He's only trying to help!


End file.
